Passivity and Lack of
Motivation
Perhaps the most obvious challenge posed by depressed people is
their apparent lack of passion or enthusiasm for anything. Depression is an "illness
of passivity." For close friends and family, this is difficult because our passions
are one of the features of humanness that make us recognizable and unique to those around
us. A passionless person seems different to other people. "He isn't himself."
"I don't feel like I know the person I married anymore.
Not only is a passionless person different, they are also without any intrinsic
motivation. There is no feeling that urges them to work or love. Unless they have unusual
faith, they seem chronically stuck. No amount of persuading, cajoling, encouraging,
manipulating, or screaming will get them moving. As a result, friends are willing to try
any proposed treatment for depression, and when the treatments are exhausted, they tend to
give up and gradually withdraw from the depressed person.
Is the depressed person unable to act? Or is he or she unwilling to act? Our answers will
dramatically affect our approach. If you ask family members, they will say that the
depressed person is unwilling. If you ask those who are depressed, they will say that they
are unable. What we can be certain of is that depressed people are in a battle. In the
battle, we can partner with them and even fight on their behalf at times, but the
depressed person must be willing to engage in the battle. We don't expect him or her to
fight in the same way that we do, but we must join with the depressed person and develop a
mutually agreed upon strategy to engage the battle.
"Do you want to get well?" This might seem like a foolish question. Of course
depressed people want to get well. But, for some depressed people, we should ask it often
because the answer is more complicated than a simple "yes." It is a place to
begin in enlisting their participation.
Many depressed people don't even entertain the thought that they can get well. For them
depression is not just a feeling, it is an identity. They are depression. The question,
"Do you want to get well?" helps them to take a step back from the depression
and actually think about it as something that can be changed.
If depressed people have belief systems that have led to depression, they tend to be very
loyal to those systems. As such, they want to get rid of depression but they don't want to
give up their entrenched, sub-biblical, or unbiblical system of interpretation. For
example, they may find personal identity in being the martyr, the guilty one, the
oppressed one, or the one whom God has abandoned.
- Many depressed people say they want to get well, but they reject
every way out. "It doesn't work." "You don't understand." At some
point, their actions must be brought into question. That is, even though they say that
they want to get well, their actions say that something within the depression is better
than the alternatives. For example, they may want to get rid of depression, but they want
to hold onto their anger. They may want to get rid of their depression, but they don't
want to forgive. They may want to get rid of their depression, but they find that it gives
them attention or influence.
- Depression can be a strategy to avoid. People may want to avoid
financial crisis, work, difficult relationships, confessing sin to someone, or the
responsibilities of life. To give up depression means that avoidance is no longer
possible.
- As unbelievable as it might sound, some people prefer their
depression. Even though depression is inconvenient and "a hassle," it is at
least known and somewhat comfortable. Like a woman who marries someone like her mean,
hard-drinking father, it's not so much that you like it, but it is familiar. It feels like
home. When I'm depressed, pain is my friend. I wallow in pain. It's what I am familiar
with. I'll tell you that I hate my pain and that there is nothing good about it, but I
still hold onto it. I'm so dead inside, so empty of any enthusiasm or hope. My pain
reminds me that I'm alive. It allows me to be angry.
Persevere in the Relationship
Depression does not pass on through like a bad thunderstorm.
Instead, it can linger for weeks, months, or years. Therefore, helpers must be prepared
for the long haul.
The typical pattern for those who help is that they begin with a spurt of loving and
encouraging energy, almost as if their enthusiasm and comfort will revive the person who
is depressed. But when they see that their words and deeds go under appreciated or, at
least, are ineffective, they begin to back away Sometimes those who try to comfort notice
that the depression becomes contagious in that they feel depressed after spending an
afternoon with the depressed person.
The reality is that those who are depressed are almost always blessed by loving contact
with other brothers or sisters in Christ. They may not say it at the time. In fact, they
may occasionally encourage friends not to visit, saying, "I'm hopeless. I appreciate
your concern but it isn't going to help." Such comments, however, are usually the
depressed person's way of either testing the care of the friends or simply saying that
they feel undeserving of the friendship and they want to give the friends a mannerly way
out.
Faithfulness is a critical way to show love. A consistent presence is a signpost that
points to Christ. This doesn't necessarily mean that you must take time off from work to
be with the person round the clock, although it might. Ministry to those who are depressed
is like many types of ministry in that it calls us to love in a way that challenges our
natural selfishness. Typically, however, those who help should establish a pace that can
be maintained over time rather than one that is intensive but short-lived. As such,
faithfulness is demonstrated in short but daily phone calls, long walks on a nice day, or
reading something to the depressed person that might have special interest.
Footprints Of Hope can help. Call our caring
counselors for an appointment! |